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Don't feel like friending this so that my non-lj friends can read it. If they wanted to that is.
I know all about the clichés of how the first love is the hardest to get over... but that's what they are. Clichés.
I worked to get where I am now. I fell in love with Nick because of what I saw in him over the first year we were dating. Yeah, maybe he was the first one I let show me how much he loved me, but the thing is I don't think that's what I fell head over heels in love with him.
He listened to every word I uttered. It didn't matter if it was nonsense, academia, something he didn't understand, my usual fangirlishness, gibberish, or complaints. He listened, and then he would talk to me about them in a way that was different from how friends talked to each other. I don't quite know how to explain it… he just made me feel that I was the most important thing in the world or something.
And I loved just being near him. He could be halfway across the room, or right beside me, his presence always made me feel warm and bubbly inside. Ever time I saw him, I would get this silly grin on my face.
Even after almost two years of being together, I still get that grin. Even now, after he broke my heart by saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship… he just wants to be single, I still get that grin. Except, my heart is too broken now to let that grin show.
What was I saying? Oh, right… I worked to be so in love with Nick. All the little things that irritated me about him, I learned to deal with, I learned to appreciate them. Yeah, they bugged the hell out of me sometimes, but I got to tease him about them.
I think that… he just doesn't want to be in a relationship cuz he doesn't want to use the effort to make it work. Bullshit, you say; there'll be someone else who deserves you more than he does, you say. Yeah, well, I don't want someone else.
I want him. I want Nick. I want to be able to randomly whip out Starcraft or Warcraft and challenge him to a game as foreplay. I want to tease him about something that I find endearing/cute and watch him get all shy about it. I want to one day get home at 11pm and find that he's on the computer beating the crap out of some mobs on WoW.
Yes, at the end I got so frustrated with him not even trying. But we're both still young. There's time to change.
You're still young, you say. You have time to find someone else, you say. Well, fuck you. I don't want someone else.
I know that he cares for me, a lot more than just as a friend. And the way he acts around me when we're alone, even now after we've broken up, it's like he's still in love with me subconsciously.
I want to wake him up and make him see… but at the same time I know that he won't see what he doesn't want to see.
This is all just so damn hard. I don't want to move on. Even though everyone is telling me that I should. How do I move on when every time I think about him my heart skips a beat, when I hear his voice my breath catches in my throat, when I brush against him I can still feel the electricity there?
*sigh*
You know how the fad now is to visualize what you want and you'll eventually get it? Well, I think that there's a fine line between visualizing and being delusional.
I know all about the clichés of how the first love is the hardest to get over... but that's what they are. Clichés.
I worked to get where I am now. I fell in love with Nick because of what I saw in him over the first year we were dating. Yeah, maybe he was the first one I let show me how much he loved me, but the thing is I don't think that's what I fell head over heels in love with him.
He listened to every word I uttered. It didn't matter if it was nonsense, academia, something he didn't understand, my usual fangirlishness, gibberish, or complaints. He listened, and then he would talk to me about them in a way that was different from how friends talked to each other. I don't quite know how to explain it… he just made me feel that I was the most important thing in the world or something.
And I loved just being near him. He could be halfway across the room, or right beside me, his presence always made me feel warm and bubbly inside. Ever time I saw him, I would get this silly grin on my face.
Even after almost two years of being together, I still get that grin. Even now, after he broke my heart by saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship… he just wants to be single, I still get that grin. Except, my heart is too broken now to let that grin show.
What was I saying? Oh, right… I worked to be so in love with Nick. All the little things that irritated me about him, I learned to deal with, I learned to appreciate them. Yeah, they bugged the hell out of me sometimes, but I got to tease him about them.
I think that… he just doesn't want to be in a relationship cuz he doesn't want to use the effort to make it work. Bullshit, you say; there'll be someone else who deserves you more than he does, you say. Yeah, well, I don't want someone else.
I want him. I want Nick. I want to be able to randomly whip out Starcraft or Warcraft and challenge him to a game as foreplay. I want to tease him about something that I find endearing/cute and watch him get all shy about it. I want to one day get home at 11pm and find that he's on the computer beating the crap out of some mobs on WoW.
Yes, at the end I got so frustrated with him not even trying. But we're both still young. There's time to change.
You're still young, you say. You have time to find someone else, you say. Well, fuck you. I don't want someone else.
I know that he cares for me, a lot more than just as a friend. And the way he acts around me when we're alone, even now after we've broken up, it's like he's still in love with me subconsciously.
I want to wake him up and make him see… but at the same time I know that he won't see what he doesn't want to see.
This is all just so damn hard. I don't want to move on. Even though everyone is telling me that I should. How do I move on when every time I think about him my heart skips a beat, when I hear his voice my breath catches in my throat, when I brush against him I can still feel the electricity there?
*sigh*
You know how the fad now is to visualize what you want and you'll eventually get it? Well, I think that there's a fine line between visualizing and being delusional.
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